Yesterday I went with my Dad to a hospital appointment in the afternoon. It is just down the hill from the mental health unit I was in here 2 years ago and the one I have narrowly avoided being admitted to recently. You can see it from the front door, it is a small brown building sitting up the hill surrounded by trees, hidden if you didn’t know what it was. Whilst my Dad went for his appointment I sat in the hospital cafe, this brought back many memories of grading my way from supervised to the cafe, meeting someone at the cafe and then going by myself. They were neither good or bad memories.
We went for coffee in the main “town”, I’d say village but apparently it’s a town, just. This was majorly triggering for me as it was just metres away from where I was violently restrained, cuffed and manhandled into a police car a couple of years ago. I remember it vividly and as yet am unable to blog about it because it upsets me. I still have nerve damage in my thumb due to the restraint which has never gone away. My Dad did not know about the restraint (he did know about the absconsion but not the apprehension) so I was unable to say anything to him.
In the evening we watched a really crappy horror/zombie film and I’ve watched many crappy films in my time. I think they are quite funny but I need to bear in mind that my Dad believes horror films are a contributing factor in my mentalness. They’re not.
As I lay in bed last night I had a thought, bear with me, I don’t really want to die and have a lot to live for so are these suicidal thoughts mine? I feel like maybe the thoughts are being put there and I’m being told I need to kill myself for a bigger purpose and if I don’t then something really bad is going to happen. I don’t know who “they” are but maybe “they” are right. I don’t know what the bad thing that might happen is. Maybe I’m changing destiny by not killing myself. If they are not my thoughts then how do I make them go away. Are “they” hiding in people, have they been in my house (I forgot to lock the front door last night). Are they human, are they inside people, do they float through the air, do they even exist. It’s all a bit abstract and I’m not sure I want the answers.
Everything feels all a bit wrong and I know as I’m writing this it all sounds a bit mental. Its is a bit mental. I don’t know what to do. Do I tell my care team? Will that have negative consequences, will something bad happen? Will the thoughts come back worse?
Or do I keep it to myself and just will the thoughts away. Keep telling myself thoughts are not actions. I am not going to act on them. I won’t. I can’t.
Went to Ikea today for lunch. It was busy, felt like people were looking at me. Managed to keep myself focussed on what I was doing. Came home and had a long sleep. My brain hurts and I am permanently exhausted.
See Me After 
You need to tell your mental health team about your thoughts sweetie. Just as you’d say to me. Thoughts are not actions, yes, but also thoughts are not helpful and maybe there are things that can be done to get them to go away. Are you still on olanzapine?
Huge cuddles x