The Struggle

It’s official UNISON are crap.  I have been given the run around and passed from pillar to post for the last two weeks.  I now have less than a week to respond to the investigation and no support has been provided whatsoever.  I am really, really stressed.  I pay them a fortune each month specifically to help me with things like this.  Life altering stuff in which I have no experience.

My mental health support has been decreased to fortnightly although I have a support worker that visited this morning.  All that involved was looking up on my computer things that I can do during the day.  I could have done that myself to be honest.

I am really struggling with day to day stuff and not having support during the most stressful time of my life is driving me mad.  I have already relapsed once since getting out of hospital in December and can feel myself slipping again.  I am not getting to sleep at night and sleeping most of the day.  I have no motivation for anything and my appetite is crap.  Yes I am trying to lose weight but this is not the way I want to do it.  I just don’t know what to do any more.  I am fed up of just surviving. I want to make a future for myself but as of now my future is hanging in the balance.  I’m struggling to hold on and it feels like everything I’ve worked so hard for is falling apart.

I could lose my job and my career and that’s not an overstatement. I worked really hard for five years to qualify and to have it all taken away for a three minute mistake which hurt no one seems really unfair.  I want to have a hissy fit about it.  I want to scream and cry and explode but instead I keep everything bottled up inside and I feel like I might implode at any minute.  The thoughts of self-harm are back although I have no intention of acting on them.  I want a normal life but it seems just outside of my grasp.

I bought some craft stuff today and aim to do some of it this evening as a distraction.  I don’t want to do anything though.  I just want to hide under the duvet and cry.  I can’t even cry properly.  I’m a pathetic wreck.

At the Moment

I have been living independently in my flat for the last week and a half and I can tell you it has not been easy.  I have no one to kick me out of bed in the morning and make me do things which means some mornings I am laying in far too late.  I am struggling to form any sort of routine despite knowing how important routine is.  I am struggling with the basics; washing, dressing, getting things done.  I have a huge professional investigation looming and it is all I can do not to fall apart at the thought of it.

On the positive side eventually the mental health team returned my calls and I have a CPN who I will be seeing once a week.  Tomorrow she is bringing a support worker who she hopes will be able to get me to go out more.  My task for this week was to go for a walk and out for a coffee every day.  I managed it a couple of times although part of my excuse is the weather has been horrible.  I haven’t spoken to another person face to face since Wednesday which is a sure sign I am avoiding human contact.  I do plan on playing netball twice this week though.  I am hideously unfit so I think the game on Tuesday will be a challenge but I am willing to try 100%.

I feel like I am forever letting myself down not being able to achieve the simplest of things.  I think I also avoid a lot too which is shown by the fact I return to bed two or three times during the day.  It is my safe place where the world doesn’t see me and I don’t have to face the world.

So I am swinging between bad days and some not so bad days.  Hopefully this week will be better although I’m not sure how.  I’m sick of my own company already.  I had discussions with work about going back so at least I know now that I am returning to a job I previously held.  A job that I interviewed for the day before I was admitted and didn’t get despite no competition.  It’s a bit gutting.  I have planted the seed that I want to go to paediatric when my job is due to change in August so hopefully the boss will remember and I might have a chance.  Thankfully there is no pressure to return to work in the forseeable future so that is one good thing.

The thoughts of failing and being a bad person and the thoughts that I have done something wrong are forefront at the moment.  I tell myself that I deserve to be happy, I deserve my brilliant friends and that I deserve the help and support however I find it hard to accept any of these things right now.  I feel triggered by everything at the moment and have an overwhelming urge to cut myself however I quit that years ago.  The thoughts are still there though.

 

I am going to go to bed now as my head is swimming and I feel like I am rambling and have nothing productive or positive to say.  Things can only get better, right?