The Struggle

It’s official UNISON are crap.  I have been given the run around and passed from pillar to post for the last two weeks.  I now have less than a week to respond to the investigation and no support has been provided whatsoever.  I am really, really stressed.  I pay them a fortune each month specifically to help me with things like this.  Life altering stuff in which I have no experience.

My mental health support has been decreased to fortnightly although I have a support worker that visited this morning.  All that involved was looking up on my computer things that I can do during the day.  I could have done that myself to be honest.

I am really struggling with day to day stuff and not having support during the most stressful time of my life is driving me mad.  I have already relapsed once since getting out of hospital in December and can feel myself slipping again.  I am not getting to sleep at night and sleeping most of the day.  I have no motivation for anything and my appetite is crap.  Yes I am trying to lose weight but this is not the way I want to do it.  I just don’t know what to do any more.  I am fed up of just surviving. I want to make a future for myself but as of now my future is hanging in the balance.  I’m struggling to hold on and it feels like everything I’ve worked so hard for is falling apart.

I could lose my job and my career and that’s not an overstatement. I worked really hard for five years to qualify and to have it all taken away for a three minute mistake which hurt no one seems really unfair.  I want to have a hissy fit about it.  I want to scream and cry and explode but instead I keep everything bottled up inside and I feel like I might implode at any minute.  The thoughts of self-harm are back although I have no intention of acting on them.  I want a normal life but it seems just outside of my grasp.

I bought some craft stuff today and aim to do some of it this evening as a distraction.  I don’t want to do anything though.  I just want to hide under the duvet and cry.  I can’t even cry properly.  I’m a pathetic wreck.