Achievements

Today I chose to go skiing.  Skiing is something I haven’t done in nearly ten years but was something I used to really enjoy.  I was good at it too I used to race train giant slalom.  I managed a good 45 minutes before becoming so exhausted and the burning in my calves made me stop.  I almost enjoyed it.  I liked the cold wind blowing in  my face, I liked the risk and fear that I was going to fall over at every turn but I managed it.  This is a massive achievement given that even getting out of bed at the moment is an effort.  After that we went for brunch at a supermarket which was a challenge in itself as I find supermarkets incredibly stressful places to be.  In fact it wasn’t too bad.

I came home and had a nap then had an appointment with the mental health man.  I know as mental health staff we are taught to “active listen” but him repeating back to me exactly what I have said several times just served to annoy me.  He said to be careful I don’t set my goals too high.  I told him I am moving down south again and he asked me when.  I told him it is not set yet and I need to sort myself out a little first.  Down south I have friends, hobbies, things to do whilst up here I am isolated socially and geographically.  It’s not helpful.  He told me that my plan sounds sensible but not to do it too fast.  I asked whether I could still do the piece of work with the other nurse on mindfulness etc and he said he will get her to phone me to arrange a new appointment.  Also the suicidal thoughts have lessenned slightly which is good.

I asked him if he had any advice that I could give my Dad on how he can support me (my Dad had wanted to come to the appointment with me).  He just needs to be there. The mental health man didn’t come up with useful suggestions, didn’t have a list of websites just told me to google it.  I sometimes wonder.

I am moving back to weekly prescriptions which is a massive step forward (apparently I have made massive steps since just last week).  So next week I have to see him again and my GP then hopefully the appointment with the other nurse will be next week and I can look at going home again.  It’s an exciting and terrifying thought going back to my little flat.  My Dad is worried that I’ll take another step backwards by going back down, that going into hospital down there would be a huge problem for him and Mum.  He wants me to be functional and says he doesn;t care if I work or not just that I am happy.  I need to get back to work.  In fact I need a new job but currently I am sort of unemployable due to a prior disciplinary and my sickness record.  This would also involve a massive upheaval as I don’t wish to stay where I live as the city is a bit of a dump.

This evening I just want to chill out, actually I want to go back to bed now but that’s not an option.  I am going to do some craft stuff, maybe have a bath and watch a film.

Small steps forward.  Must not leap ahead too much or I’ll set myself up to fail.

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